My lonely day and my greatest adventures
Being indep
endent is fun and you can do anything you want for yourself without anybody telling you what to do but it also not easy when you are out of control knowing you are on your own. Many young people want to be alone and start to face what world can offer for individual without thinking that life is not easy as what they think it is. After high school 15 years old I become Independent I work for myself and I start to learn to solve my own problem and make solutions. There are times that when I see someone my age have everything and don’t have to work to get what they want I feel down and start asking God why, but when I see the positive side of being free and so independent I feel proud of myself. Do you know; there is no happiness in the world when you receive money from your hard work.Being Independent will help you learn to survive, make you strong to fight in times of troubles in short you will be mature than anybody. But be honest sometimes I want to be a baby again; I want to feel what it is like to have someone who care.
I remember the times when everything is chaos, I started to feel something going on in myself, I don’t have confident to talk to strangers, I vomit after I eat full meals, I start to feel shame to entertain people and it’s hard to figure out wh
at wrong with me. My voice change, my body change, I feel sick all the time and I start to fall in love but I don’t even know what it feels to be in love and it was strange for me, and sad to say I don’t know where to go and where to seek an advices. I am always afraid and always try to cope up with many changes happening in myself. I think all young boys experience getting so horny when they sleep and even when they woke up, will for me I thought I have penis cancer and it worries me, and the worse is I was attractive to my same sex and I thought I was crazy, I am so worried and I feel so alone wanted to kill myself. I don’t have lots of friends I am afraid to meet people too. I even don’t want my family knows what’s going on in me, the only person I can talk with my curiosity is James but he cannot relate with my problems.I was 17 when I start to learn how to use and connect internet, there I was so addicted to search information and make friends in chat. Until I learn to surf the net, learn to make a yahoo account and listen music but I don’t know that internet will lead me into a worse trials in life. I became an internet addict; I spend my money for internet instead of saving it for my school project, I use internet to release my depressions and I became more curious and secretly addicted to porn. Porn leads me into a serious problem and that is sex. I having sex when I was just 17 secretly, somebody teach me where to find sex mate in the chat, so whenever I feel lonely and wanted to have someone to talk to I go to the internet cafe and chat. I use sex as medicine, whenever I wanted attention without knowing that my sex mate just wants me because I am too young, not because they want me as friend.
Everything has a price so after sex is guilt that kills me, I feel so ashamed of myself, and I feel so dirty and feel like I’m useless. Being far from my family and live in stranger place alone is quite difficult specially troubles seems like no ending so I started to realize that if I don’t fight for my depression I will never be successful and I can never help my family. So I use my family as inspiration, I more active in going to church, read my Bible and try to help myself w
ithout anybody. I became a therapist for myself and even help James and some of my classmate, whenever my classmates ask advices they go to me and I give them a piece of advice but they don’t know I also needed advices. My inspiration therapy helps me to learn not to be shame with people, I have more confident to meet friends and hung with my classmates and friends but my sex and porn addict is still there.I was 19 when the institution which I work with kick me out or fired me because they found out about me was being addicted to porn. So after my Practical Nursing Graduation I move place but I never go back to my family, in spite I work as a tutor with the help of my friend. I teach 2 kids and one American teenage girl but after months a quit because my x boss told anybody I am a dangerous person because I am a sex and porn addict and capable to rape anyone I like. I was totally disappointed because I never have thought about raping anyone, as a matter of fact I am more kind and hard honest than those people who work with them. But you know that moment I became so weak and sick, I blame myself for all that happened to me. I talk to myself in the mirror, I walk in the street with my mind blank, and I don’t know where to go. Funny this is God is good; I go to a prayer meeting every Wednesday and Friday just to have free meals but the shocking thing is, for many weeks of attending prayer meeting I get hired. A pastor hired me as his personal assistant, free board, with allowance and salary per weeks so I grab the opportunity and I work with him for more than 2 years but my journey don’t stay just there, I took a risk I resign and go to manila but I don’t have luck there, I don’t like manila at all so I go back to my Pastor and work there for a while but everything change and some un expected situation I make mistake but lucky I have an angel. A Person from Switzerland help me get a job in Legazpi City so July 30 2008, I first saw the perfect cone volcano I dream to see in real and I meet the person who love me in spite of who I am and that’s Berny and a person who love me as his real son and that is daddy frank here in Legazpi city. Now at the present I realize that life is full of adventure and trials, when we give up we also give up all the possible nice future we have that is near to come. Because life is like a game we take a risk and hope to win by trying and trying.
Now I am old; I am 25 but still try to fight and still taking risk and hope that I have a successful future. If a fall again and again I will still never give up. Sometimes I feel so lonely depress and scared but when I see how God carry me in his arms I feel like I am safe. For the troubles that happened to me he never let me go. Now I don’t keep secret when I feel something I voice it out better than keep it in myself. I have bulimia but now I know I am almost there to recover from it without the help of the therapist. I still have some phobia from the past but I can easy cope up with it by thinking positive. The only serious problem I have is some side effect of bulimia and being paranoid.
2 comments:
yes my sian son, life is not only happyness and fun, it is more on learning and also on so many questions which we feel inside in us and which we want find out, find an answer... i also like adventure, like travel, like new challenges since i was young..i never feel homesick, but many times i feel also so horrible lonly, feel like all the burdon on me press me down, like to kill me...i have an one year older brother but if i look back, it was not as i have a brother, i never feel his love, i was more as a burdon for him, he hate it to take care for me when we was kids and he want be the center of attraction alone when we was together with cousins or friends in the street or school or in the scouts...it makes me sad when i think back, how narcistic he was and specialy how he traet and care for my parents...when i was immicrated to the philippines, i want that my mom comes also and stay here for a while, but she said, that you can't plant a tree on an other ground...so i ask my brod to spend now a bid more time with her, his kids was already independant and had own familys...but on my visit back i see the dust 10cm high on the cabinets...had clean her appartement one week long...when she died, my brod even don't helped me with the finance that i could come to her funeral, even there was money left as heritance, but there was greediness from my brod as well as from my wifesside...i have write him my feelings and he told to a best friend that he has to tell me, that he isn't my brod anymore...i just think, how sad my parents would be to see and know that...i still have the picture the time i spnd with my mom and dad in me, and i love them still very much...even they could not show ther love so much in action with hugs and embraces, they show it with there care...my mom also backed on my birthday a cake which i wish...my pa was proud what i do on myself and he was very happy that i also make some travels to thailand, sri lanka and bali with them...they also attendet my marriage in the philippines...im also an adventouros type..make many travels even once around the world..and still im hungry to see new places..test new food...live like the people in there country...not in 5star hotels...sleep on floors...with mouses, rats and cockroches...hehe...sometimes i have also moments where i feel so lonely...feel helpless...wish to be a child again...but now that im on the last phase of the lifecircle...i feel more and more peace in me...im not afraid anymore...to get sick or to die...i enjoy more and more the present in me coming and blooming and let the past behind...im happy that i have feelings...for fairness...for sharing...for kindness...for loving...for to make misstakes...and still i want be siddhartha...want be like ghandi...
i like your storys which you write down...that you open your heart and tell what you feel..you tuched my heart an soul with it..i had some same feelings on other ways but semilar...all of us has it when we are open to us self...all of us stuggle in it...
and all of us want be loved...want be huged and kissed...
thanks that you come in my life my son
i wished...my own kids would be like you !!!
MARAMING NA MARAMING SALAMAT PO
your dady frank
Thanks my dad your are special and i believe everything come whit a reason
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